


Very very charming

by mrflibbleisverycross



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 04:35:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4377395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrflibbleisverycross/pseuds/mrflibbleisverycross
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A re-imagined version of a certain series four episode… A birthday fic for the ever-wonderful saylee!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Saylee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saylee/gifts).



Rimmer’s nervous smile faded into confusion as he caught sight of Lister. “What are you wearing that for?”

“Oh there you are, Rimmer,” Lister said turning. “What do you mean ‘what am I wearing that for’?”

“You were all spruced up for once. Just 15 minutes ago. And now you’re back in your…” he gestured vaguely, “…smeggy things.”

Lister looked down at his trademark black jacket. “I’ve been wearing this all day, man.” He considered the accuracy of that last statement. “All week.” He considered again. “All month. And I haven’t even seen you since breakfast. Anyway what are _you_ wearing _that_ for? I thought you liked your poncy green stuff.”

Rimmer fiddled with the sleeve of his old style khaki uniform. “I do. But you said… Don’t you remember? Just 15 minutes ago in the drive room?” He trailed off, more uncertain than ever.

“Rimmer, I have no idea what you’re going on about. If you were going to crack open the marijuana gin you could have at least let me have some. Have you been down to the medi-bay?”

“Lister I’m not drugged up! I have not visited, and have no need to visit, the medi-bay.”

“No I didn’t mean that. I was looking for you to tell you. Cat and Kryten found someone on that old derelict. A pleasure GELF. She’s in the medi-bay now. Routine check up y’know.”

“What?” Rimmer was still distracted. “Holly put me back in my green uniform.”

“Alright, Arnold.”

“A pleasure GELF. You’ve heard of them,” Lister continued. “Turns into your deepest fantasy.” He sighed. “She looked so much like Kochanski I should’ve twigged really. We can go down to the medi-bay now and you can say hi.”

“Actually, the GELF is no longer in the medi-bay, Dave,” Holly volunteered.

Rimmer was outraged. “What! Where is it now? You mean a potentially hostile life form has been brought on board and left to roam about the ship wherever it likes? It could have got anywhere!”

A terrible thought suddenly occurred to Rimmer and his face turned even paler than its hologramatic usual.

Lister didn’t seem to notice. “Nah, don’t worry. She’s nice. Name’s Camille. Where’d she go Hol?”

“Kryten took her on a tour of the ship.”

“Well that’s fine then.” Rimmer desperately tried to end the conversation and began edging backwards towards the door. “Clears everything up. No problemo.”

“Where are they now?” Lister was oblivious to his bunkmate’s anguish.

Kryten arrived at that point, humming cheerily to himself. “Oh Mr Lister sir, isn’t Camille wonderful?”

“Would you look at the time! Must dash. Things to do,” Rimmer babbled to no one in particular.

“Alright, you lovebird you.” Lister gave the bashful mechanoid a punch on the shoulder then rubbed his bruised knuckles.

“I really think we might be compatible, sir. She just loved my tour of the Dwarf! We visited all the vending machines then I mopped the corridors and she recalibrated the machines in the drive room.”

“Sounds like a hot date! Hang on. Did you say she was in the drive room? When was this?”

“Oh I’d say about 20 minutes ago or so, sir. Give or take.”

You could almost see the gears turning as Lister thought this one through. “20 minutes ago? In the drive room? But that was when…” He looked up. “Rimmer?”

But Rimmer had gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Rimmer sat, gazing unseeingly at the scene before him: mountains, lava flows, biospheres, and above it all Jupiter. The gas giant dominated the skyline, simultaneously calming and intimidating. His memories of childhood were hardly the best but Io was the closest thing he’d ever had to a home and sometimes he liked to escape here in AR to think. The atmosphere was ruined only occasionally when deafening techno dance music started playing and an instructor began yelling at him to do star jumps; it was a ‘Dancercise around the Solar System’ vid he was in after all.

How could he have been so stupid? This was definitely going on the list of the top 10 all time most mortifying things that had happened to poor old Arnie J. He had no idea how he was going to get over this one. For the past few days he’d avoided Lister as much as he could but when you’re two of the last beings in the entire Universe and you happen to be stuck on a ship together, there’s only so far either of you can run.

It was all Lister’s fault he decided. That goit. That stupid, smegging goit. That stupid, smegging, grubby, gerbil-faced, continually chirpy, effortlessly charming, infuriatingly adorable, ridiculously sexy, goited smegging goit.

He caught a snatch of spicy aftershave in the air, the expensive stuff Lister only wore when he was meeting a girl he was head over heels for. Rimmer turned to see a figure that seemed to be his bunkmate dressed in a smart black waistcoat, crisp shirt and neatly creased trousers. Even the Cat would have admitted that he scrubbed up well. As for Rimmer, his simulated heart skipped a beat at the sight even though he knew who it really was.

“Hello Camille,” he said glumly, looking back at the horizon again.

There was a long silence and then he felt the Lister-Camille take a seat beside him and heard a throat being cleared “I’m sorry…”

Rimmer sighed. “It’s not your fault,” he said, magnanimous for once in his misery. “You were only doing what humans created you for.”

Suddenly he groaned and buried his face in his hands. “I just thought for one minute. One blessed minute! That he actually liked me. Didn’t think I was a worthless pile of smeg. Oh I’m such a fool! I’ve gone and smegged everything up.”

“That’s it! You got it!” An enthusiastic voice suddenly blared out over a thumping base, “Now once again. And to the side. And reach. And up!”

“Holly, switch that thing off!” Rimmer yelled at the skies and the music promptly died away.

The Lister-Camille placed a reassuring arm on Rimmer’s shoulder and seemed to pick the next few words carefully. “You’re not worthless Rimmer. You’re a good friend. Lister wouldn’t have lasted long without you and he knows it. He does care about you, man.”

Rimmer glanced at the Lister-Camille but there was such a look of tenderness there, which he knew he would never see on the real Lister’s face, that he almost couldn’t bear it.

“And you don’t half look sexy in those tight trousers of yours.”

No he definitely couldn’t bear this. Rimmer stood up abruptly. “Don’t, really don’t. He doesn’t care about me. All he wants is Kochanski.”

“A couple of days ago I don’t think even he knew what he wanted,” the Lister-Camille reflected. “He needed that nudge in the right direction. But now he’s finally realised.” There was a slight pause. “He wants you, Rimmer.”

Rimmer tried not to turn around, he did try, but he couldn’t help himself. He met the Lister-Camille’s gaze, desperate longing and hope-beyond-hope etched in every line of his face. It seemed to have quite an effect.

“Smegging hell, Rimmer!” the Lister-Camille swore fervently and practically lunged at him. Rimmer stumbled backwards.

“No, I can’t! Camille, I-”

“Oh shut up Rimmer, you dimwit. Can’t you tell? ‘Camille’ is currently in the form of a giant green blob having a dinner date with Kryten. I’m the real Dave Lister, alright?”

Rimmer exploded. “What! Listy! You mean to say you-”

But Lister cut him off again with a growl of “Cm’here smeghead” and a forceful tug on the front of his uniform.

He was rigidly stiff for a moment, but as their lips touched Rimmer melted into the kiss, helplessly clutching at Lister. Lister himself was burying his fingers into those gorgeous curls, thrilled at just how good this felt. The voice of the over-enthusiastic dancercise instructor suddenly boomed out again congratulating them on a great flab-fighting session but both of them were so far gone, they didn’t even notice.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Lot to Love](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5069086) by [LordValeryMimes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes)




End file.
